joke poems

[chatter]

noah 2003 version
it is the year 2003 and noah lives in the united states.
the lord speaks to noah and says: "in one year i am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.
but i want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. therefore, i am commanding you to build an ark."
in a flash of lightning, god delivered the specifications for an ark. fearful and trembling, noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "remember," said the lord, "you must complete the ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
the lord saw noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "noah." he shouted, "where is the ark?" "lord please forgive me!" cried noah. "i did my best, but there were big problems.

first, i had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. i had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

then i got into a fight with osha over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

then my neighbor objected, claiming i was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so i had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

i had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the spotted owl.
i finally convinced the u.s. forest service that i needed the wood to save the owls. however, the fish and wildlife service won't let me catch any owls. so, no owls.

the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
i had to negotiate a settlement with the national labor union. now i have 16 carpenters on the ark, but still no owls.

when i started rounding up the other animals, i got sued by an animal rights group. they objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

just when i got the suit dismissed, the epa notified me that i could not complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
they didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the creator of the universe.
then the army corps of engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. i sent them a globe.

right now, i am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the equal employment opportunity commission that i am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

the irs has seized all i disagreeets, claiming that i'm building the ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. i just got a notice from the state that i owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the ark as a recreational water craft."

finally the aclu got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the ark, saying that since god is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

i really don't think i can finish the ark for another 5 or 6 years!" noah wailed. the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
a rainbow arched across the sky. noah looked up hopefully. "you mean you are not going to destroy the earth, lord?" "no," said the lord sadly. "the government already has."

[chatter]

political thread if you are a
democrat
you have two cows. your neighbor has none. you feel guilty for being successful. you vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. the people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. you feel righteous.
barbara streisand sings for you.
socialist
you have two cows. the government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. you form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
republican
you have two cows. your neighbor has none. so?
communist
you have two cows. the government seizes both and provides you with milk.
you wait in line for hours to get it. it is expensive and sour.
capitalism american style
you have two cows. you sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
democracy american style
you have two cows. the government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
bureaucracy american style
you have two cows. the government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
american corporation
you have two cows. you sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an ipo on the 2nd one. you force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. you are surprised when one cow drops dead. you spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. your stock goes up.
french corporation
you have two cows. you go on strike because you want three cows.
you go to lunch. life is good.
japanese corporation
you have two cows. you redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. they learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. most are at the top of their class at cow school.
german corporation
you have two cows. you engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
italian corporation
you have two cows but you don't know where they are. while rambling around, you see a beautiful woman. you break for lunch. life is good.
russian corporation
you have two cows. you count them and learn you have five cows. you have some more vodka. you count them again and learn you have 42 cows. you count them again and learn you have 12 cows. you stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. you produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. the mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
taliban corporation
you have all the cows in afghanistan, which are two.
you don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
polish corporation
you have two bulls. employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
florida corporation
you have a black cow and a brown cow. everyone votes for the best looking one. some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. some people vote for both. some people vote for neither. some people can't figure out how to vote at all. finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
new york corporation
you have fifteen million cows. you have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some dumb cow from arkansas named hillary.

[chatter]

a married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
the husband is behind the wheel.
his wife looks over at him and says, "honey, i know we've been married for 15 years, but, i want a divorce."
the husband says nothing slowly increasing speed to 60 mph.
she then says, "i don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because i've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
the husband stays quiet speeding up as his anger increases.
she says, "i want the house."
again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
she says, "i want the kids, too."
the husband driving faster, and faster, is now up to 80 mph.
she says, "i want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
the husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "is there anything you want?"
the husband says, "no, i've got everything i need."
she asks, "what's that?"
the husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "i've got the airbag!"